The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

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The Suite Life of Zack & Cody is a family sitcom about two teenage identical twins, Zack and Cody Martin

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Hotel Hangout [1.1]

London: Maddie! Good news!
Maddie: Me, too!
London: Me first: I got a D+ in math!
Maddie: (Confused) That's good news?
London: Yeah! Thanks to you, I passed. My daddy got me a plasma TV!
Maddie: Wow, all I get when I get an A+ is an extra slice of pie!
London: Is that your good news?
Maddie: No, I took your advice and broke up with Lance. I was blunt... I was direct... and if I do say so myself I was pretty darn mean!
London: So I learned something from you and you learned something from me!
Maddie: Yeah! And now you have a plasma TV and... I don't have a boyfriend.
London: So everybody's happy!

Carey: Mr. Moseby, every little problem with you is like, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
(A satellite dish falls from the roof of the hotel, frightening Moseby and Carey)
Moseby: Sometimes Chicken Little knows what he's talking about!

Max: Moseby, you run a nice place here.
Moseby: Thanks, son.
Max: I'm a girl.
Moseby: (Monotone) Mmm-hmm.

Max: (To Zack and Cody) Drew will never accept you. Don't beat your heads on the wall.
Tapeworm: Even though it feels good sometimes!

Maddie: I can't believe I'm going out with him again!
London: I can't believe I might have to wear plaid!
Maddie: Teach me to be mean!
London: Teach me to be smart!
Both: Help me!
Maddie: Get off me!

[edit] The Fairest of Them All [1.2]

London: (Talking about what she wanted to be when she grew up) I wanted to be an heiress. And I did it! Yay, me! (claps)
Maddie: Oh, yeah. It takes someone real special to be born rich.
London: (believing Maddie) Thank you!

Zack: (To Cody) This is probably the most boringest hotel! in the history of boring hotels!
Cody: Oh, Zack! (Turns Zack around so that he is looking at a bunch of girls who had just walked into the hotel.)
Zack: I LOVE this hotel!

Brianna and her mom push their way to the front desk with rude "Excuse Me!" comments.
Brianna's Mom: (southern accent) I need to speak to the manager (rings desk bell) right away.
Moseby: Marion Moseby at your service.
Brianna's Mom: Well, Mary Ann, my Brianna is the odds-on favorite to win this year's Universal Mini-Miss beauty pageant.
Moseby: I've already started working on your personal requests: foot roller, high wattage makeup mirror, and a bucket of fried possum fingers.
Brianna's Mom: Thank you. (honking from outside) 'Scuse me, my house is double parked.
Moseby: (to clerk) Remind me to count the towels in their suite.

Maddie: I hate beauty pagents!
Carey: I know. I never won one either.
Maddie: The point is, people award girls for being shallow, plastic robots. What kind of superficial airhead thinks that's cool?
(London walks out of the elevator wearing a beauty pageant sash)
London: Isn't this cool!?
Maddie: Oh, that kind.

Zack and Cody: Mom, Please!?
Carey: Guys, What's wrong with your old bikes? They're still good perfectly .
Zack: Mom, they're tricycles.

Brianna's Mom: (pulls something out of her mouth) You know, these rose color candies are horrible.
Moseby: That's soap, madam.
Brianna's Mom: Well, then they're pretty dang good. (puts soap back in her mouth)

Carey: (to Cody) Are you wearing lipstick?
Zack: Yeah, I put it on him. That's what the fight was about.
Carey: (to Zack) That wasn't very nice! (She turns to Cody) And that's not your shade.

Brianna's Mom: Mary Ann where can I dump my port-a-potty?
Moseby: If you will excuse me, I have to help the Queen with her throne!

Carey: Cody, why are you wearing a dress?
Zack: We did it to win money for bikes.
Carey: Oh, thank Goodness!

Brianna's Mom: Mary Ann, I'm just letting you know I am not paying for this cause I didn't like it.
Moseby: I'll waive the fee Madam, I understand what it's like to have to look at something utterly repulsive.
Brianna's Mom: (not getting the subtle insult) Thank you.

[edit] Maddie Checks In [1.3]

(Maddie is not sure if she likes Jason, then hears him tell his friend to recycle.)
Maddie: You recycle?
Jason: Sure, bottles, cans, everything.
Maddie: Since when?
Jason: Since my father bought Oregon and started chopping down trees. You ever heard of Octicorp?
Maddie: The center of all evil?
Jason: That's Dad!
Maddie: (shrugging away) Ah, I protest against them.
Jason: Me too!
Maddie: (excited) I got dragged off by a cop!
Jason: I got grounded for two weeks.

Zack: First we have to get you an imperial suite.
Maddie: Have you any idea how expensive those are?
Cody: Ahh, that's cute. She thought we were going to pay.
Zack: No. We don't pay Baby!

Moseby: London, it's unseemly for a young girl to go to the concert alone with two boys, especially after your father saw that picture in the tabloids.
London: I'm not going alone. Maddie's coming and no one will have any fun with her around.
Moseby: Good point.

Maddie: Why are you asking me to go with you?
London: Because I'm nice. Duh!!
Maddie gives her a skeptical look.
London: OK, Moseby won't let me go unless I bring a guaranteed killjoy. So will you go?
Maddie: As heartfelt as it sounds...no.

As Maddie and Jason are about to kiss they hear Zack and Cody, who are spying through the suite peephole, stumble
Jason: What was that?
Maddie: Cats... Big cats.

Jason: (hesitantly) So uh.. I guess I should say good-bye. Or uh.. you could invite me into your suite..?
Maddie: (smiling at him) My sweet what?
Jason (stares at her)
Maddie: (dawning on her) Oh my suite! In the hotel where I live because I'm rich.

Carey: So, word on the street is Jason's pretty cute.
Maddie: Yes, he thinks I am the nicest, loveliest, down-to-earth rich girl he's ever met.
Carey: Whoa, back up. Rich?
Maddie: It's complicated. I was doing London a favor. It's not like I wanted to do it.
Carey: Yes it must have been torture to kiss that boy.
Maddie gives her a quizzical look.
Carey: (looking at Zack & Cody) Cats told me.

Cody: We'll help you with Jason.
Zack: Why would I wanna help my future wife hook up with some other dude?
Cody: Because he's leaving tomorrow and she'll owe you big time.
Zack: Okay!

Cody: Is there a hall of fame for this kind of stuff?
Moseby: Yes. It's called prison.

The Amputator: There's two of them?
Moseby: Except in my dreams, where I see them by the hundreds!

Mrs. Harrington: I think it's so nice that this wonderful young girl lets a struggling singer and her two twin boys live in her suite.
Carey: Yes, it's so much nicer than the mini-van we used to live in.

Zack: (seeing Jason and Maddie kissing) Again! How many times are they going to say goodbye?
Cody: Get over it.yo-dog man arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Or what ever your called!!But just so you know i love londen tipton!!(runs away cring)

[edit] Hotel Inspector [1.4]

Zack: I ran after that, he scares me!
Carey: Mr .Moseby's just doing his job. He needs to keep this hotel running smooth and you tend to be un-smooth.
Cody: Yeah, un-smooth like when mom doesn't shave her legs for two weeks.

Ilsa: Get this dog off of me!
London: (In a non-caring tone) Stop, Bad Dog, No.

Ilsa: Theese is not a hotel! Theese is a circus! The cats, The rats, the dogs, the twins - all that's missing is a bearded lady. (Moseby opens his mouth) Watch it!

Zack: So, is the evil hotel inspector gone yet?
Inspector: No, she's right here.
Zack: Whoa! What's that on her face?
(Carey covers Zack's mouth)
Moseby: It's a beauty mark!
Cody: It has a hair on it!
(Carey covers Cody's mouth)
Carey: It's a good thing I don't have triplets! I would run out of hands!

Moseby: No hard feelings?
(extends hand to shake Ilsa's)
PSYCHE!!
(takes hand away)

[edit] Grounded on the 23rd Floor [1.5]

Carey: (To Zack and Cody) We may live in a palace but we're not royalty
Zack: I think you're a queen mommy.
Carey: Aww... put a sock in it!

Carey: (To Zack and Cody) You had your underwear dry-cleaned?!
Zack: Feels good!

Zack: Hey, check it out! I just found 5 bucks in my pocket!
Cody: Those are my pants!
Zack: Cool! Candy's on you.

Zack: (To the belhop) To the Candy Shop, please.

{Zack inspects arm pit for hair} Zack: It's there!
Cody: No, it isn't.
Zack: Yes, it is. Right there; are you blind? You can totally feel it. Ow, you pulled the skin!
Cody: That's 'cause there's no hair there! (Sniffs hand) And no deodorant...

Maddie: I've arranged the counter. Now tell me, what draws your eye?
Zack: You do sweet thang!
Maddie: Please, some of this candy is older than you.

London (crawling in an air conditiong vent alongside Zack): Man, it stinks in here!
Zack: Sorry.

Maddie (crawling in an air conditiong vent alongside Cody): Man, it stinks in here!
Cody: Sorry.

Maddie (pulls up Cody's pullover hood): Your sweatshirt's on backwards.
Cody: What's your point?

Zack and Cody: Good morning Mr. Moseby!
Carey: What brings you up so early?
Moseby: Couldn't sleep. (looks at twins) Nightmares!

Carey: (to Mr. Moseby) You have kids?
Moseby: No. And after seeing yours, not gonna happen!

Zack: What does he (Tuck) have that I don't?
Cody: Armpit hair.

Cody: (through radio) Mad dog to Bird Dog, are you in position?
Zack: (through radio) Affirmative, I have located the mezzanine vent. Hopefully, this one leads to the ballroom.
Cody: It better, because Mad Dog needs to find a fire hydrant, and quick.
Zack: Roger. I'm sending down the probe.
Cody: You mean the golf ball?
Zack: Yes, the golf ball! (puts golf ball in the vent. shows golf ball rolling in the vent. it lands in the ballroom vent.)
Cody: Bingo! We found it Bird dog.
Moseby: (to Cody) And what have we found?
Cody: (to Moseby) Uh... (looks around) My two way?
Zack: (through speaker at Cody) Get out of there before Large-Butt Moseby sees you.
Moseby: (motions to radio) Can I have that just for a-? (through radio) Bird dog, this is Large-Butt. You do anything to disrupt this wedding, it will be the last song your mother ever sings at the Tipton. Over, and you're almost out.

[edit] The Prince & The Plunger [1.6]

Maddie: (on phone) This is Princess Bopalopashamalamadingdong. Where is my llama milk?
Serge: Your husband said to get goat milk!
Maddie: My husband, Prince bopalopashamalamadingdong, is a DING DONG!

Carey: I can figure out by myself if a guy's no good.
Zack: But you didn't figure out that Serge was a lying doofuses.
Carey: Now, no name calling boys. Even if they are lying doofuses.

Carey: Serge. You know, that poem you wrote me was so lovely, I wrote a little somthin' for you. "Violets are Blue. Roses are Red. My boys were right. Go soak your head." (walks away}
Zack and Cody: (run from around the corner) YEAH! (pour the "llama" milk all over Serge. cling the buckets together and run away.)

Cody: Did you see how those flowers made Mom smile?
Zack: Yeah, it's great. If she has a boyfriend, she'll be so busy being all girly with him, she'll leave us alone!
Cody: And she'll be happy...
Zack: And we'd be able to play that video game!
Cody: And she'll be happy.
Zack: And we won't have to make our beds!
Cody: And she'll be HAPPY!
Zack : You're so selfish! Can't you think of anything besides mom's happiness!?

Serge: Oh, great. I love kids...so why don't you guys jump in your jammies and run off to sleepy-bye?
Zack: We're not five.
Cody: Now we wait until it gets darky-poo!

Maddie: Now, Arwin. This is a practice date. Pretend Muriel is Carey.
Muriel: All right. Thrill me, plunger boy.
Maddie: Now say something charming.
Arwin: (soup spills out of his mouth) You have beautiful earlobes.

Carey: Arwin, is that you? You look great!
Arwin: Thanks. (pulls up his slack to reveal his sock) No ducktape!

Zack: Sit down! Tell her a story!
Arwin: Um...so...I was up in room 313 today...uh leaning over the toilet, uh...plunging. In and out, in and out, in and out...and um, water and who knows (quote fingers) "what else" comes splashing out everywhere.
Carey: (loudly) You don't say...
Arwin: Yeah. And then-POP! Out comes a wad of hair the size of your head! (eats breadstick)
Zack: (slaps his forehead)

Carey: Yeah, but 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained'
Cody: Which is what she usually says to get us to eat broccoli.

[edit] Footloser [1.7]

Zack: Mom, guess what? I'm gonna be on TV!
Carey: Oh no, what did you set on fire??!!
Zack: (To Cody, after Cody danced horribly and Zack danced well) You got served!

Max: That dented trophy could have been ours!

Max (After looking at the poster for the upcoming dance competition): This could be my big break!
Cody: Yeah, you're a great dancer!
Zack: Oh yeah! You're better than the girl on that Missy Elliott video!
(NOTE: Alyson Stoner, who plays the character of Max was in Missy Elliott's Work It video.)

Max: Hey, Cody, where's Zack?
Cody (pretending to be Zack): I'm Zack! (Imitating Zack) Hey, sweet thing!
Max: He hurt himself, didn't he?
Cody: Yep.
Max: Great! Now what am I going to do?
Cody: Well, Zack talked me through all the moves. And watch this! (Breaks into a stupid dance and then trips and falls) I call it trip-hop!
Max: I call it last place.

Mr. Moseby: Esteban, I need you.
Esteban: When I am good and ready!
Mr. Moesby: What did you say?!
Esteban: Now, I am good and ready!

Maddie: Here London, let me wring...rub your neck.

Max: (to Zack) You're worse than Harry Stupidini here.
Cody: See he's better than me at being worse.

Carey: You look the same on the outside, but you're different on the inside. Like... pies. One could be apple and one could be cherry.
Zack: Could I have ice cream on me?
Carey: Go soak your ankle!

Mr. Moseby:(To Cody) Please, no Vaudeville in the lobby.

[edit] A Prom Story [1.8]

Zack: (To Maddie) I'm a guy with mature interests.
Maddie: Such as?
Zack: Politics... culture... PG-13 movies...

Maddie: We need to get a proper ballroom.
London: (entering) Can I suggest the fish alcove?
Mary: (annoyed) Excuse me, do you even go to our school?
Maddie: No but her father owns this hotel.
Mary: (deferential) OH, have a seat.

Cody: (miming a sneeze) Doofus!
Carey: Cody, could you walk your dog in your room for a minute?
Cody: (miming being in a box) I can't hear you. I'm trapped inside a box.
Carey: Go! Or I'll ship you and your box out of the country.

Carey: You know Zack, you do realize that there is a bit of an age difference between you and Maddie.
Zack: So, when I'm 17 she'll be 20. We can get married in 48 states... plus Guam... I checked.

Maddie: Uh, London, do you think you could talk to Moseby about getting the ballroom for our prom?
London: Sure.
Jeff: Thank you! You are awesome!
London: Oh, I love helping the poor and needy.
Mary: We are not a charity.
London: Have you seen what you're wearing?

Maddie: London! yo letting Jeff think you're fabulous! I want him to think I'm fabulous.
London: Is he rich?
Maddie: No, but he is sweet, kind, smart and funny!
London: Do you think some lame school dance will make Jeff fall in love with you?
Maddie: No, that's why I need Maroon 5!
London: That is so completely superficial and shallow! I am so proud.

Zack': Hey. If you're in trouble, we're there for you. I'm your man. That's what men do.
Cody: miming vomiting
Zack: (looking at Cody) Will you leave! (blowing at Cody)
Cody: holding his hat and miming being blown away

Zack: Did you hear that? Maddie wants me to dance with her at the prom. I better practice my kissing!
Cody: Don't look at me!

Cody: We have cocktail weenies, we have bacon weenie quiches, we have buffalo butts. Mmm, spicy! We have mini meatballs, average size meatballs, and great big meatballs. We have chicken kabobs, hamkabobs, and chicken AND lamb kabobs.
Maurice: I AM A VEGETARIAN!!! (reacts) (sadly) 30 years of silence down the drain!
Cody: Spinach dip?
Maurice does not answer but has a dismayed look on his face.

[edit] Band in Boston [1.9]

London: (warming up higher and higher then screeches) Lalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Moseby: Better and better everyday London....break a leg! (walks up to Maddie) That way she won't be able to get up on stage.

Tapeworm: What do we do? We're next, and Zack and Cody still aren't here.
Max: We'll do what all great rock stars do.
Tapeworm: Trash a hotel room?
Max: No. Stall.

London: (singing) You're the one I want, the only one I need, the only one for me!!!!
Lance: I think I lost sight in my right ear!

Moseby: Is something dying in here?
Maddie: Yes. Our chances of winning.

London: I don't like this tangerine!
Maddie: No that's a TAMBORINE! A tangerine is what the audience is gonna throw at you!

London: You know, Daddy owns a few record companies, I could've made a CD anytime. But, now that I know I'm a lousy singer, what's the point? (Maddie stares at her open mouthed.)
Maddie: But you were so good on the TANGERINE!!

Max: Will you guys stop fighting?
Cody: We are not fighting, we are having a creative discussion.
Zack: We are too fighting.
Cody: Creative discussion!
Zack: Fight!
Cody: Discussion!
Max: I can't believe you guys are fighting about if you're having a fight!

Zack: So, you're in Battle of the Bands, too? Gee, I kind of feel bad for you. Our band has great music, killer wardrobe, and we're also 12 and cute. (crosses arms and smiles)
Maddie: Yeah. Well, I'm 15 and hot. (shakes hips and does a pose)
Zack: Ooooh, you ARE good.

Lance: [refers to London's plea to be a singer] I think we should let her do it.
Maddie: *laugh* Have you swallowed too much chlorine?
Lance: Well, yeah...

Lance: Okay, how about this? We let London stand up front, but we turn off her mic so no one can hear her.
Maddie: Wow! I'm impressed. You know, I can't believe you came up with that idea, Lance.
Lance: (flattered) Well, you know what they say...
Maddie: No, what?
Lance: I don't know. I was hoping you would.

Tapeworm: How long can it take to write a song!?
Zack: I'm almost there. What rhymes with 'orange?'
Max: Nothing! Everybody knows nothing rhymes with orange!
Tapeworm: Oh yeah? What about phsnlorange!?
Max: Thank you, Dr. Suess.

Maddie: So, did you turn off London's mic?
Lance: Hey, great idea.
Maddie: Thanks. I couldn't have done it without you.
Lance: Done what?
Maddie: It's a good thing you're cute.

Zack: Whoa. Good thing I landed on you or that could have hurt.
Cody: Yeah. Lucky you.

Max: Why is it that you drive on the parkway, but you park on the driveway?
(Tapeworm bangs drum; audience boos)
Max: What is this? An audience not a jury?

Carey: Max! Where are Zack and Cody?
Max: (covers up microphone) Somewhere in the vent system?
Carey: Okay. A mother needs to know these things.

[edit] Cody Goes to Camp [1.10]

Zack: I'll have you know, I purposely flunked Math so that I don't have to go on that math camp with you.
Cody: Then whom are avoiding with your "D" in English?

Carey: You guys have never been apart, not ever.
Zack: Except for the first 10 minutes when Cody wasn't born. Those were the days.

Carey: Zack, you're going to miss your brother, won't you?
Zack: Like a slow-healing scab.

(Cody throws his blanket back to Zack.)
Zack: But it might come in handy. Say you run into a grizzly bear. You could take out your blankie, and he would laugh himself to death.
Cody: Or I could show him your report card.

London: Moseby, have you heard the good news?
Moseby: Yes. One of the twins is gone for 2 weeks. It's like falling in love.

Carey: Hurry up, Cody. I don't want you to miss your bus.
Zack: Yeah. You don't wanna miss a bus full of nerds going, "2, 4, 6, 8, why can't we get a date?"

Mr. Moseby: Are you familiar with the gearshift?
London: You mean the "PRNDL" (pronounced as "prindle")?
Mr. Moseby: The what?
London: The "PRNDL"?
Mr. Moseby: Are you referring to the shift lever that reads "P, R, N, D, L"?
London: I'm not a child, Moseby. I know how to spell "PRNDL."
Mr. Moseby: It is not something you spell. It is a gearshift. The letters stand for park, reverse, neutral, drive and low!
London: You're making me nervous with all this technical talk.
Mr. Moseby: Oh, I'm sorry. Why don't we just relax, and turn on the radio? Would you like AMMMM or FMMM?

Zack: I know he's having a miserable time. We have twin telepathy. (mimics sensor waves using his hand across his forehead) It's like my brain is receiving phone calls from him.
Carey: Well, you have a bad connection. Hang up.
Zack: Uh, uh. I can sense these things. Remember when Cody broke his leg and I sensed it?
Carey: That's because you're the one who fell on his leg and broke it.

Zack: Guys, I'm worried about Cody. He's not answering his cell phone!
London: Maybe he's having fun.
Zack: Hello! We're talking about MATH CAMP!

Zack: I've got to get up to that camp!
London: Oh! I can drive you!
Maddie: What?!
London: I'll show Moseby how well I can do without him! C'mon!
Maddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA there big girl! You just drove through a building!
London: But there are no buildings on the highway.
Maddie: True, but there are other cars and big trucks, and the occasional cute deer! This is not a good idea.
Zack: You're not going to tell anyone are you?
Maddie: Well, only if you do it.
Zack: GRAB HER!!
(London and Zack drag Maddie off by her elbows.)
London: (When Esteban walks by) You saw nothing!
Esteban: Okay, have fun!

Carey: Moseby, Zack took off for math camp
Moseby: Splendid, both of them are gone. It's like falling in love again.
Carey: You don't understand! London is driving.
Moseby: Oh no.
Carey: Oh yeah.
Moseby: They shouldn't be to hard to find! We'll just look for the car that's going in reverse.

London: (after being pulled over by the Massachusetts Highway Patrol) What's the matter officer? I wasn't speeding.
Highway Patrolman: I'll say. When I stop sports cars it's because they are going too fast. To catch you I had to shift into first (gear) <to keep from passing her>.

Now Muriel is driving the car. She drives like Mario Andretti and is pulled over by the same officer.
Highway Patrolman: Didn't I just stop this car from driving too slow?
Muriel: I'm sorry officer but my darling grandson is very sick, so I'm rushing him to the hospital.
(Maddie nudges Zack; Zack pretends to be sick.)
Highway Patrolman: (referring to Zack) But he seemed fine before.
London: Oh, we stopped for chili cheese dogs on the road.
Highway Patrolman: Oh, no, not Dirty Dan's!
London: That's the place.
Zack: (as part of the ruse, pretending to be sick and weak) Hurry Grandma! I think I can see the light!
London: No! Stay away from the light!

Warren: Look, chicks.
Tapeworm: And a foxy hen. That's never happened in the history of Camp Knock-a-Number.
Warren: I got the blonde.
Maddie: You'll get nothing and like it.
Warren: Ooh, sassy.

Cody: What are you doing here?
Zack: I knew you were having a miserable time. I got your twin telepathy call. (mimics the sensor waves)
Cody: Well it must be from your other twin because I'm having a great time.
Zack: It's worse than I thought.

Warren: (to Maddie) Hey cutie, let's take a walk on Calculus Lane. (escorts a reluctant Maddie off camera)
Tapeworm: (to London) I have a calculator that runs on moonlight.
London: Oh, lets find out how rich I am! (grabs his arms and rushes off camera)
Muriel: (wandering around) Is there anyone here between the ages of twenty five and twenty eight?

Cody: We'll be apart for six more days. Think you'll make it.
Zack: Sure, with the way London drives, we won't be home for six days, and, if Muriel's driving, (snatches Cody's blanket) I'm going to need Blankie.

Mr. Moseby: Eyes on the road. Check your mirrors. Eyes on the road.
London (looking at both the road and the car's front mirror): I can't do both!
Carey (to Mr. Moseby): Would you stop? She's doing fine.(to London): Isn't he the worst? On the way up here [to math camp], he actually criticized my driving... While he was driving!

Moseby: I suppose I have a slight tendency to be a bit critical.
Zack: Suppose?
Maddie: Slight?
Carey: Tendency?
London: A bit?

London: Moseby.
Moseby: Mrs. Kneivel!
London: (gasps) Is that a slam on my driving?
Moseby: Please, don't use the word 'SLAM'!

[edit] To Catch a Thief [1.11]

Maddie: (to Ivana) You know, I really like talking to you... and clearly I need a life.
Ivana: (barking) I'll say!

Maddie: (Pointing to a picture of a dog on the table) Ooh, is that your boyfriend? You go girl!
Ivana: (Barks) His owner is cute too.

Maddie: (answers cell) Ivana's line.
London: It's me. Put her on.
Maddie: Ivana! It's Mommy!
Ivana (barking throughout): I have no mommy!
Maddie: Ivana! Get on the phone!
London: Why won't my baby speak to me? What have you done with her?
Maddie: Nothing! She just loves me. Not as much as she loves you. Isn't that right, Ivana? (Imitating Ivana's bark)
London: That's not Ivana's bark. Does she have a sore throat?
Maddie: No! She just misses you and we are about to miss our movie night, toodles.
London: Daddy!
Maddie:(talking to Ivana) Clearly you are breaking her heart, but I'm liking you better.
Ivana: Ditto!

Maddie: Have you two totally lost it?
Cody: You're the one talking to a dog.
Maddie: And she agrees with me. You've lost it.

Zack: Cool, my trap worked!
Cody: So, you caught Muriel, I could've done that with whipped cream and a slice of pie!
Muriel: Sounds good, could you heat it up?

(Esteban is hitting Muriel, who is trapped in a net, with an umbrella)
Muriel: Hey. Watch it. I'm not a piñata!

Eddie: Hey, check it out! Look at all those jewels. That'll buy us a month in Hawaii.
Nick: Or if we budget our money carefully, four weeks.

Esteban (to the thieves): I am here to clear the name of Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya Del Rosa Ramirez. Son of Diego Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya Del Rosa Ramirez (just then Ivana chews through the rope and Muriel falls on the thieves, flattening them). . . and his wife, Gladys.

Moseby: Esteban, I hope you to know I never suspected you.
Esteban: Thank you sir. I never suspected you either.

Carey: What were you thinking, putting yourselves in danger?
Zack: Well, you wouldn't believe us!
Carey: You're right. If you hadn't let your imagination run away with you in the first place, we would have believed you when it really mattered! It's like the boy who cried wolf.
Zack: Who said anything about a wolf?
Cody: Aren't you happy we caught them?
Carey: Not the point!
Officer: You know there's a $10,000 reward.
Carey: My boys! (hugs Zack and Cody)

Muriel: Excuse me. But I'm the one that fell on those dirtbags. (Imitates the call-me sign to the thieves.)
Zack: Yeah, but I'm the one that set the trap. See?
Maddie: But Ivana's the one who chewed cut the rope.
Officer: Well I guess whoever owns this dog is going to be very, very rich.
Just then London burst through the door.
London: Don't be mad, snookums! Mommy's home!
Maddie: Life isn't fair.
Just then the net trap springs again, trapping London
Maddie: Then again. (holds up Ivana's paw and waves)

:[London and Ivana are in therapy, and Maddie is the therapist]

Maddie: So, Ivana. Tell London how you felt about being left behind.

Ivana: (Barking throughout) Unloved. Neglected.

London: That is so hurtful. I do so love you.

Maddie: Please. It's Ivana's turn to vent.

Ivana: It's always about you, isn't it?

London: (About to cry) I promise I'll never leave you again.

Maddie: And?

London: (Still about to cry) I'll spend more quality time with you. [Ivana comes over to her]

Maddie: My work here is done. And your time is up. That'll be $10,000!

[edit] It's a Mad, Mad, Mad Hotel [1.12]

Repeated line whenever Zack, Cody, are discussing sharing the treasure: You know I'm (standing/sitting/still) right here.

Zack: (After Esteban, Zack, and Cody pretend to be a portrait to trick Moseby) Think he noticed?
Moseby: He noticed.
Cody: It wasn't us! We were...framed!

Maddie: Hey, wait a minute, that's a picture of Muriel.
Cody: How can you tell?
Maddie: Look at her. She's sitting down with her feet up.

Maddie: What money?
Cody: Uh, it's none of your business. And there's nothing you can say or do to make us tell you.
Maddie: (Flirtatiously) Zackie?
Zack: There's money hidden in the hotel.
Cody: Sucker.
Zack: So, I'm in love. Sue me.

From Zack's Fantasy
- Maddie: Zack, honey, time to eat.
  Zack: What's for dinner?
  Maddie: Popcorn and candy.
  Zack: For dessert?
  Maddie: Candy and popcorn.
  Zack: Thanks, sweetie.
  Zack: (talking to Maddie) A genius in the kitchen and a tiger in the game room. Baby, you're the greatest. (gives Maddie a kiss on the cheek)
  Back to reality Zack finds himself kissing Cody on the cheek.
  Cody: Dude, why did you just kiss me?
  Zack: Sorry, daydreaming.

From Cody's Fantasy
- Cody: I expected to win a Nobel prize for in physics, chemistry, biology, and mathematics. But to win one for baking, well, that just takes the cake!
  (tries to kiss pretty assistant but then reality intervenes)
- Zack: Dude that was on the lips!
  Cody: AHHH!!

From Maddie's Fantasy
- 'Zack: Good news Madam President (of the United States). Your policies have saved the whales, the ozone layer, and most importantly the people with bad haircuts.
  Maddie pulls to make out with a Secret Service agent
  Zack: HEY!!!
  Maddie: Sorry Bub, this is my fantasy.
  Back in reality where Zack falling after Maddie fails to catch him.
  Zack: Yeah, why catch me when you can make out with a broom.

Zack: (to Maddie) I like the way you think, sweet thang.
Cody: You like anything she says, desperate thang.

In Muriel's flashback to when she was younger and working at the Tipton
- Hot Peppers: Hey, Muriel. I'm crazy for you, toots.
  Younger Muriel: Get in line pal.
  Hot Peppers: Let's go on the lam together.
  Younger Muriel: Does it involve moving?
  Hot Peppers: I'll carry you, babe.
- Flossy: (High-pitched voice) Hey, Peppas. Is it hot in here or is it just you? (Giggles)
  Peppers snaps his fingers for his lackeys to take care of it.
  Lackey: Get your mitts off the boss, Floozy.
  Flossy: It's pronounced Flossy. (Lackeys carry Flossy off and drop her) Ooh!

London: I wonder how my life would be if I found the treasure? (a fantasy ripple starts up, but is interrupted by London) Oh, yeah. It would be the same! Yay me!! (claps)

From Esteban's fantasy—where he owns the Hotel "Esteban"
Esteban: And now it's SALSA time!

(after learning that there is no monetary treasure)
Esteban: Now I'll never own this hotel.
Maddie: And I'll never be the President.
Cody: I'll never win the Nobel Prize.
Zack: I'll never marry Maddie. (Maddie looks at him funny)
London: On the bright side, I'm still rich. Yay me! (does her signature clapping)

Maddie: ...Zack, no!
Zack: I should get a bigger share because I worked harder than you!
Maddie: Oh yeah! Well, if you're working so hard, how come we haven't found the treasure?
Zack: You know, I don't know what I ever saw in you!
Maddie: Don't make me come down there!

(Everyone is arguing)
Arwin: DOGS HAVE CLEANER TOUNGUES THAN PEOPLE!

Carey: Have you seen my kids?
Moseby: No. Have you seen my employees?
Carey: No.
Moseby: I have a bad feeling about this.
Carey: Me too, but let's stay calm. I'm sure my kids are fine and your hotel is in one piece-(BANG) or pieces.

Moseby: (rushes outside to see the explosion and utters unintelligible words)
... (gasps) Huy poingy doi (high pitch) peeky peeky panglo...
London: Moseby, breathe.
Moseby: (fast gaps of breathing and crying.) Mama!

[edit] Poor Little Rich Girl [1.13]

Zack: London, you might want to take a look at the front page!
London: Not now, London's reading about London.
Cody: And you might want this back (hands her the $5 bill she gave him)
London: Why?
Muriel: (shows her front page) 'Cause you're broke!
London: (Starts screaming) AAAAAHHHHH!

Mr. Moseby (To London): Your father has to stay incognito.
London (cluelessly): Where is 'Cognito'?
Mr. Moseby: It means he needs to stay in hiding.
London (even more cluelessly): Where is 'Hiding'?

London: Just because I have no money, the bank stops being nice to me?
Mr. Moseby: Shocking, isn't it?

Mr. Moseby: Maddie, is it possible for you to—
Maddie: No! Not possible. Love to! Can't. Coming! (runs off)
Mr. Moseby: (pulls Maddie back) But no one called you. And don't you have an extra bed since your sister moved out?
Maddie: What sister? My sister didn't move out.
Mr. Moseby: Oh really? Because I distinctly remember you dancing around the lobby singing, "My sister got a groom, I got my own room! What?!"
Maddie: Oh, that sister.

Maddie: First we strip and make the beds.
London: (puzzled) Well, if that's what poor people do. (begins unbuttoning blouse)
Maddie: Whoa there big girl!

London is stuck in the wall when Maddie's bed goes up. When Maddie pulls it back down she is stuck underneath.
London: I'm stuck in the wall and you want to play Hide-&-Go Seek!?

Cody: How are you doin' Sweet Thang?
Maddie: Cody I'm sorry, but isn't it Zack who usually tries to flirt with me.
Zack: If you're gonna be me you better be better.

(After Zack and Cody are arguing about who is who)
Carey: I knew I should have erased that tape.
Cody: Anything else you haven't been completely honest with us about? Mommy? If that's your real name?
Carey: Well, I am your mother. Do I have to show you the beginning of the tape again?
Zack and Cody: No!

Zack: I can't believe that I might be Cody!
Cody: Well, what's wrong with being Cody?
Zack: For starters, look how you're dressed.
Cody: Well then, if I am Zack then I am the oldest. You better start showing me some respect, junior.
Zack: By ten minutes, big deal.

Zack: He's been acting like me all day. He came on to all the girls at school, wised off to the teachers, and now he wants to copy off my homework.
Carey: That's terrible.
Zack: I know. It means that I have to do my own homework.

Zack: Now I can go back to chillin' and just getting by in school. (as Carey gives him a look) I mean doing my best.

London: (after hearing that she is rich again) Goodbye peanut butter, hello lobster dipped in butter!

[edit] Cookin' With Romeo and Juliet [1.14]

Cody: Hey, Maddie. Can you try some of my cookies?
Maddie: Sure. (bites into a cookie)
Cody: What do you think?
Zack: Careful. If you tell him there's too many walnuts, he'll lock himself in the bathroom and cry.
Maddie: Cody, these are amazing. You know, girls like guys who can cook.
Zack: I helped!
Hotel Guest: Mmm, (eating one of Cody's cookies) These are fantastic. How much are they?
Cody: They're free.
Zack: For $5.
Hotel Guest: (leaves a lot of cash) I'll take the whole basket!
Zack: Alright! Cody's cookies are gonna make me rich!
(Cody stares at Zack)
Cody: Ahem!
Zack: Did I say me? I meant us!
Moseby: I see that the dentists like the sugarless gum.
Maddie: (Jokingly) Well, four out of five of them do!

Muriel: My doctor says I should stay away from chocolates... and younger men.
London: Aren't you supposed to be working?
Muriel: What's your point?

London: So Todd really wanted to kiss me?
Maddie: (Sarcastically) No, he wanted to kiss the plant!
London: Why would he want to kiss the plant?
Maddie: He doesn't. He wants to kiss you!
London: So Todd really wanted to kiss me?
Maddie: It's a special night, don't make me slap you.

London: Todd!
Todd: London!
Mr. Moseby: London!
Ilsa: Todd!
Maddie: (Raises hand) Maddie!

Moseby (Talking to Ilsa, who has a huge mole): I thought I smelled a rat. Turns out it was a mole!
Ilsa: (In a German accent) What mole?
Moseby: Do you own a mirror?

Moseby: (To London about a boy whom her father has forbidden her to see) You really like this boy, don't you?
London: I would love him even if he were poor.
Mr. Moseby: Really?
London: (Thinks for a moment) Yeah. (Nods head)
Mr. Moseby: Well, in that case, if you want to see Todd, then it's not up to me to stop you.
London: But won't you get in trouble with my father?
Mr. Moseby: Sometimes when you care about someone... you have to think of them before yourself.
London: Thanks, Moseby. (Walks away)
Ilsa: (In a German accent) That was so schweet. It makes me vant to... PUKE!!

London: (To Muriel) Shouldn't you be working?
Muriel: What's your point?

London:Maddie? That Romeo and Juliet book has a happy ending right?
Maddie:Yea... (turns around and walks away while mouthing no)
** NOTE: If you are not familiar with the story, click on the link for a synopsis.**

London: (repling to Todd's decision of not going to dental school) That's so sweet, but I can't let you do that.
Todd: Why not?
London: (glancing at Moseby and smiling) Sometimes when you care about someone...you have to think of them before yourself.

Ilsa: (to Todd) Dare you schneak out to see the Tipton. I've called your father, he wants to talk to you. (talks quietly)Yop!

[edit] Rumors [1.15]

Moseby: I just heard something that I cannot believe. Someone told me that you and Maddie are betrothed.
Lance: We are? Cool! What's that?
Moseby: It means you're getting married.
Lance: Really? My girlfriend's gonna be ticked. Guess I better go rent a tux.

Cody: Oh, no, the box said it was supposed to be a honey-mist auburn!
Zack: Honey, you missed auburn big time!

Progression of the Maddie-and-Lance Rumor
- London misinterprets Maddie giving Lance CPR in ballroom.
- London: (to Esteban) Maddie and Lance are back together. They were kissing in the ballroom.
  Esteban: (to Muriel)Nothing. I said nothing about Maddie and Lance pledging their love for each other in the lounge.....They were as we say in my country "peeling the grape."
  Muriel: (to Cody) Lance and Maddie are pledged to each other....Sealed it with a kiss....Oh, and there was something about grapes. I think they're moving to a vineyard. But If you ask me, the whole thing is a gamble.
  Cody: (to Zack) Oh Zack guess what? Maddie and Lance are getting married, are going to Vegas to gamble so they can open up a vineyard.
  Chuck: (breaking date with Maddie) I was until I heard some disturbing news.
  Maddie: What news?
  Zack: How could you marry Lance!?
  Chuck: That.

Maddie: I wanna know why you started that rumor about me and Lance.
London: What rumor?
Maddie: That Lance and I are getting married, moving to a vineyard near Las Vegas, and becoming blackjack dealers?!
London: Congratulations! You're gonna be a blackjack dealer!

Maddie : (moaning) London, London. Why did you tell everyone Lance and I were back together?
London: Because I saw you kissing in the lounge!
Maddie: He was teaching me CPR!
London: Is that the same as peeling the grape?
Maddie: It's mouth to mouth!
London: So it is the same!

Maddie: How would you feel if people were spreading rumors about you?
London: Hey, every time I'm in the paper, my social life just gets better and better.
Maddie: Yeah? Well, my social life is going down the tubes because Chuck heard your lie and dumped me!
London: Oh, honey. I heard a rumor he was gonna dump you anyway.

Maddie: (not knowing she's talking to a reporter) She's a hypocrite. I happen to know she has a fox fur in her closet.
Reporter: Thank you, it was quite a pleasure talking to you. (moves away and makes a phone call) Frank, I've got news that will make London Tipton the most hated woman in Boston.

London: I can't believe people would believe I would torture little animals. All my furs are fake.
Maddie: I thought you said you had a fox fur.
London: Yes, F-A-U-X, fox.
Maddie: It's pronounced "foe" which would've made a difference to.... the big mouth who started this rumour.

London: I want whoever it was to be thrown into the Tipton dungeon.
Moseby: We don't have a dungeon, but i can have him fired.
London: From a cannon?

Cody: I wonder who started this rumor about London.
Zack: I bet it was Chuck. I never liked him.
Cody: You liked him until Maddie liked him.
Unbeknownst to the twins, Muriel overhears and later tells Esteban.

London: Esteban, spill it or you'll be transferred to the Tipton Siberia.
Esteban: It start with "CH" and ryhmes with "UCK."
London: Who's CHU-DUCK?

Cody: (to Zack) At least when I go away, it won’t be in handcuffs.

London: Chuck, I want him deported.
Moseby: You can't have him deported. He's from New Jersey.

London: Chuck, you're fired. Get your passport and go back to New Jersey.

Cody: (as Zack) So proud of my brother. You are lucky to have him in your program.
Zack: That's right. I'm Cody, the smart one.
Cody: And I'm Zack, the dumb one. Dopey dopey dope.
Zack: Don't push it.
Moseby: (confused) Well good luck ... to all of you.

London: I'm surprised at you. I thought you "never gossip."
Maddie: I was upset and I didn't know that woman was a reporter.
London: So you just gossip about me in general?

Maddie: This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't spread that lie about me to the whole hotel.
London: And your lie about me spread to the whole world!
Maddie: Well you started it!
London: Nuh huh!
Maddie: Uh huh!
London: Don't you Uh huh my Nuh huh!

Mr. Johnson: Cody, how did you first become interested in government?
Zack: (with a fake confident smile) Well, I'm a strong proponent of the First Amendment.
(Cody flashes him a 'okay/great job' sign from behind Mr. Johnson.)
Mr. Johnson: Great. What do you like about it?
(This wipes Zack's smile off in a hurry. He thinks for a second.)
Zack: Well...what's not to like? I mean...it's the first. It's number one! It's number one!
(Cody slides one hand down his face in a 'Oh-man-I'm-toast-in-this-interview' gesture.)

Mr. Johnson: Cody, it says here you would eventually like to be a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What would you do on the bench?
Zack (as Cody): I'm thinking casual Fridays. You know so that we can wear anything but those stuffy robes.

London: I'm sorry Maddie. Next time I see you lip locking I'll come to you first.
Maddie: And I'm sorry about the things I said about you in the staff lounge.
London: (gasp) We have a staff lounge but no dungeon?
Moseby: Great, another room for you to torture me in.

Maddie: If you rescind that rumor about Lance and me I'll find a way to restore your reputation as the sweet animal-lover you are.
London: How?
Maddie: We'll fake something.

Repeated line during London's reputation restoration: (Kind lady/Little boy)...whom I've never seen before.

Magazine Headline: Heroic London Tipton Saves Choking Chinchilla.

Cody: That was Mr. Johnson from the Week-In-Washington program. They want me because of my sense of humor and refreshing personality.
Zack: I guess you didn't do such a bad job.
Cody: True, (puts hand on Zack's shoulder) I did a great job.

Cody: Zack! The guy from the Week In Washington program is here. He's here to interview me and I can't be me because I don't look like me, I'm supposed to look like you so since you look like me you gotta be me!
Zack: I can't help you.
Cody: Why?!
Zack: Because I have no idea what you just said.

Mr. Johnson: Nice hair, son! What are you rebelling against?
Cody: False labelling on hair products...

Mr. Johnson: And what president would you say you admire the most?
Zack: (with a fake confident smile) Oh that's easy, President Carter!
Mr. Johnson: Why?
Zack: (This wipes Zack's smile off in a hurry. He thinks for a second.) Why? Well, uh... he... uh... (while looking at Cody's signals at the back of Mr. Johnson) hammers! Uh... nails things! He um... he uh... builds uh... houses! Builds houses for uh... Builds houses for nuns! Builds houses for old people... cold people... Builds houses for cold people... uh... poor people! (Cody gives an "a-okay" sign) Builds houses for poor people! Yes, and I believe everyone should have a place to live, (Cody signals Zack to stop talking) where you could watch TV to see commercials for stuff to buy, which helps the economy... (looks at Cody's gestures) What?!

[edit] Big Hair & Baseball [1.16]

Patrick: Ah, Miss London, may I get you a table inside?
Gavin (Maddie's date): I thought you said there were no tables inside.
Patrick: (Sarcastically) I'm sorry, does your father own this hotel? I didn't think so.

Patrick: ...Here are your menus. Would you like some crayons?

Patrick: (To Maddie) Ah, well, if it isn't Little Miss, (mockingly) "I'm sorry, but this hotel doesn't stock your favorite flavor of gum"!
Maddie: Patrick, no one likes coconut flavored gum!
Patrick: Well, I do! So apparently I'm a no one!

Carey: (Singing) I recommend the creme brulee!
Patrick: (Mock singing) I recommend you go away!

Cody: Okay, this is it the day I catch my first ball.
Zack: Or it'll bounce off your head and then when everyone rushes to stop the bleeding, I'll pick it up like last time.

Maddie comes in with frizzy hair.
London: Aaahh! Something's eating Maddie's head!
Maddie: It's my hair. It's humid outside which tends to make it a little frizzy.
London: A little? You look like the Bride of Frankenstein!

Carey: The more you connect with them the less of your stuff they'll break.
Moseby: You really expect me to believe that?
Carey: No...Mr. Moseby, please please please please please! I never get a day to myself and the boys love you.
Moseby: They love me?
Carey: No, but they would if you took them to a baseball game.
Bystander 1: Well, I can't believe that hotel guy won't take his own kids to a baseball game.
Moseby: They're not my-
Bystander 2: That's just not right.
Moseby: But I hate baseball.
Bystander 1: Now that's just un-American.
Bystander 2: Can you believe this guy? I guess you hate apple pie too, huh fella? And puppies. And your own mama.
Moseby: Sir, I LOVE MY MAMA! (to Carey) I'd love to take the boys to the game. What time's kick-off?

Carey: Oh, come on, guys. He's really looking forward to going with you and he loves you.
Cody: He loves us?
Carey: No, but he might if he spent more time with you.

Zack & Cody: No!
Zack: Moseby?
Cody: At a baseball game? Those two things just don't go together. It's like Zack and homework.
Zack: Or Cody on a date!

London: It was pretty smart of me to arrange your date at the hotel. Look, I don't know why people think I'm stupid. (She plays with her hairband and it smacks her forehead a couple of times0 Ow. Ow. Ow.
Maddie: It's a mystery, all right.

London: You know...? For 2 smart people, you guys don't say very much.
Gaven: That's because we're so smart, we can communicate telepathically.
[Maddie giggles]
London: Oh, yeah? Ooh! What's she saying? (points to Maddie) And don't talk.
Gaven: Well, Maddie just said she thinks we're going to have a great time.
Maddie: And Gaven just said he wishes you'd leave.
London: (appalled) Well! That's the rudest thing I've NEVER heard! (turns around and walks away)

London: Oh great! More smarty pants "silent talk". Okay, what are you guys saying?
Gaven: I said that I love curly hair.
Maddie: (makes a come'ere finger) And I said that a little perpiration never hurt anybody. (blots Gaven's face)
London : Oooh, (claps) this is so romantic-in an incredibly icky kind of way. (sighs) Now, what are you saying?
Maddie: Gaven wants to thank you for setting up our date and then saving it.
London: Awww...
Gaven: And Maddie wants you to leave.
London: (appalled) Well, do you know what I'm thinking up here? (points to her head)
Maddie & Gaven: Nothing...?
London: Wow, you guys are GOOD.

Cody; ...but he caught that ball for ME, for a kid who always DREAMED of catching one...
Zack: but was too lame to do it himself cuz he has lousy hand-eye coordination.
Cody: (embarassed) I have ASTIGMATISM!

Ending Scene bit
Patrick: K, fine. If you want to stay, I have one favor to ask. We've run out of steel wool in the kitchen and we'd LOVE to scrub the pots out with your HAIR!

[edit] Rock Star in the House [1.17]

Moseby: We happen to have a very famous rock star checking in this afternoon.
Carey: It's so silly now insane women get when it comes to musicians.
Zack: Who is it?
Moseby: That McCartney fellow.
Carey: Paul McCartney? I LOVE PAUL McCARTNEY!!!
Cody: Who's he?
Moseby: Not Paul McCartney, Jesse McCartney.
Carey: Who's he?

Maddie: I can't believe all these girls want to meet Jesse McCartney. It's so lame.
London: And delusional. They may think they have a shot at Jesse but as you can see <holds magazine cover with Jesse's picture next to her face> he and I are meant to be.
Jesse: Do you know where the manager's office is?
London: Over there (not bothering to look at him).
Maddie: Wasn't that Jesse McCartney?
London, realizing whom she just spoke to, faints.

London: Don't worry (to Maddie). I'll get us in there to see him rehearse. After all, he's a celebrity. I'm a celebrity. We're first celebrities once removed.
Moseby: You go in there and you'll be removed.

Moseby: (to London) Actually I just received a fax from your father warning you to stay away from all celebrity guests staying at this hotel. He does not want a repeat of the Orlando Bloom incident.
London: Just tell Daddy it's different this time.
Moseby: (leafing through fax) "Different this time. different this time." Uh here we are. (reads from fax) "No, it's not different. You are clearly obsessed with [insert celebrity name here] and if continue to harass [insert celebrity name here] you will be sent to [insert boarding school name here].

London: That's it. If he doesn't let me see Jesse, I'll...
Moseby: I have got "run away, scream at the top of my lungs, or hold my breath until I turn blue." Which will it be?

London (to Maddie): Oh, look, he's gesturing to me. I think he wants to propose.
Maddie: He's pointing at the water, dingbat, he thinks you're a waiter.
London: Why would he think that? (Looks at her clothes and remembers that she's disguised as a waiter)

Moseby: Oh is everything alright in here? No screaming girls?
Jesse: No but you do have a couple of screaming waiters.

Cody: I've gotta win this science award. Then I can get into M.I.T. and invent a nanobot that eats oil spills and be able to retire comfortably while taking care of my aging mother and paying my brother's bail money.
Arwin: Zack's in jail?
Cody: Not yet.

Maddie (Holding and smelling Jesse McCartney's bathrobe): Mmm...
London (barging in): What are you doing with my husband's bathrobe?
Maddie: I collect plaid!

Maddie: Zack, what are you doing here!?
London: Are you in love with Jesse too?
Zack: No.....I am selling Jesse's stuff on the street. One girl gave me 30 bucks for a napkin he spit his gum into. There is great money in obsession.

Carey: Why not try something simpler, like that volcano we talked about?
Cody: Like a stupid volcano will win me a Nobel Prize!
Carey: Mine did win honorable mentions in the Miss Madame Curie competition!
Cody: Those were simpler times!
Arwin: You were a science geek?

Cody: Well, my best isn't going to win me a Nobel Prize, pay for your nursing home, or get Zack out of jail.
Carey: Zack's in jail?
Cody and Arwin: Not yet.

Maddie: So your plan is to tell him that you found he lucky bracelet in room by his bed side drawer?
London: (Claps) Good plan!
Maddie: (Claps) Bad plan! If Moseby finds out we will get in trouble! And Zack could end up in jail!
Zack: Funny! That’s what Cody always says!

Jesse: You hang out with those girls? What are they like two years older then you?
Zack: Three.
Jesse: Impressive, dude!

Zack: If you like video games, come back to my place and I'll crush you like the pretty boy that you are!
Jesse: You're on. And that's Mr. Pretty Boy to you.

Outside Zack's suite
Maddie: (banging on door) Jesse, just tell me your favorite color for my article! I'm going to say blue, okay?
London: I don't care what your favorite color is, I just want to marry you! It's not brown, is it? (Refering London might not like brown.

[edit] Smart and Smarterer [1.18]

Zack: Just do me a favor. Don't mention the report cards for like... ever.
Cody: Okay.
(Cody opens the door)
Carey: Hey guys. What's new?
Cody: Report cards! Oops, slipped out.
Zack: (Mimics Cody)

Carey: Zack, if Cody got a report card that means you have one too.
Zack: You would think so wouldn't you. And I was just as surprised as you.
Carey: ZAACK!!!!

Zack: But before you read it, you should know that there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, is that I got D's in Math, English, and Social Studies.
Carey: And what's the good news?
Zack: I'm out of bad news.

Moseby: (coughing) Now, since you two have arrived at my hotel, you have been nothing but a... (loses voice)
Zack: A delight?
Cody: A bundle of youthful energy, whose spirit has breathed life into this stodgy, old place?
Zack: And to say thank you, you want to reward us with free sundaes?!
Cody: Thanks, Mr. Moseby, you're the best!
Moseby waves hands in anguish and seething anger.

Cody: I want Mom to see my report card.
Zack: How do you live with yourself?
Cody: I don't. I live with you, and believe me, it's no picnic.

Maddie: How about a quick game of "Guess what Color I'm Thinking?"
London: (from inside elevator) Blue.
Maddie: Darn!

London: (picking up a chess piece) Maddie, what are these do-hickeys? Are they expensive, and do I want to buy them?
Maddie: No, these are chess pieces. It's a game that's been played for 5,000 years.
London: Well, then, someone should have won already.

Cody: Have you no shame?
Zack: You're right. I feel terrible.
Cody: Really?
Zack: Nope.

London: How many times do we have to play this game?
Maddie: Until I win!
London: By then the dinosaurs will be extinct.

Zack: Mom, Cody's making me feel bad.
Carey: Cody, stop picking on Zack. Boy, that sounded odd.

Moseby: Do I by any chance smell?
Esteban: Oh, yes. Like a dead horse in August.

Zack: You guys got it easy. Right?
Bob: Yeah. The jumbo letters, the ridicule, the inability to sink a free throw.
Mr. Forgess: Uh, dyslexia doesn't effect your basketball ability.
Bob: Yeah, I know, but I was on a roll.

Maddie: I refuse to lose to someone who calls the bishop Mr. Pointy Head.
London: Which one is the bishop?
Maddie: Mr. Pointy Head!!
London: See it's catching on!

London: Maybe I'm a little more intellectualer than you thunk.

Cody: Told you this would blow up in your face! Now you have to do the work all by your self. With no one to help you. Just you and you alone!
Zack: Oh yeah? Well If you're so smart, than what's the capital or North Dakota?
Cody: That's easy, Bismarck!
Zack: But I thought Bismarck was the capital of South Dakota.
Cody: No, that's Pierre.
Zack: Well, what's the capital of Wyoming?
Cody: Cheyenne.
Zack: Thanks, you just finished my homework.

[edit] The Ghost of Suite 613 [1.19]

Maddie, London, Zack, and Cody: (when Arwin opens door with big stick) AHHHHH!!!!!
Zack: It's the ghost!
London: It's got a club!
Cody: Now it's eating the club!
Arwin: It's not a club, it's a sub, Meatball Marinara, want some?

Esteban: It is up to us to help the ghost cross over to a better place.
Maddie: You mean the St. Mark Hotel where they pay extra?
Esteban: This is not a joking matter.
Maddie: Obviously you've never seen my paycheck.

Zack: Muriel where's the room of Suite 613?
Muriel:Over there, but if you value your life you will not go in that room
Zack: Yanking Cody Let's go in!
Cody: Lets not! (Yanks Zack to much and makes the cart Muriel was using fall)
Muriel: on second thought here's the key

Esteban: (high-pitched voice) She's here! Hola, ghostie! Welcome to ... (starts convulsing and everyone screams)
Irene (Speaking through Esteban): Who dares to call me in the afterlife?!
Cody: (whispering) It's for you.
Zack: Are you the ghost of Irene?
Irene (Speaking through Esteban): Yes! My spirit is doomed to languished agony for AAAAAAAAAALLLL eternity.
London: Whatever. Listen, um, can I have those one thousand dollars back?
Irene (Speaking through Esteban): You will be silenced!
London: Okay, sorry. Never mind.

Muriel telling story of ghost to Maddie, London, Zack, and Cody.
Muriel: Her name was Irene, and she was beautiful and rich.
London: (keeps cutting Muriel off) Oh, think me...with less money...and probably not as pretty...and dead.
Muriel: (annoyed) As I was saying, in 1942, Irene and her husband checked in on their honeymoon night, and the next day-
London: (Interrupting Muriel) -he went off to war. She waited 3 years, but he never came back.
Zack: So, he died in battle?
London: Oh no, he-
Muriel stuffs the duster on London's face to shut her up.
Muriel: He met some Italian babe and opened up a pizza parlor in Naples.
London: (spits out a feather) Then she was so mad she threw the silver hairbrush he'd given her at their wedding
Muriel: And the mirror shattered and a shard flew out, and that was the end. *short pause* good luck

Esteban: (after falling for Zack's farting trick) Zack, I'm a little tired of your impractical jokes.
Zack: Sorry... (makes the farting sound, Esteban leaves and Cody, Maddie, & London laugh)Man, that was awesome! Almost as funny as this morning when Cody got so scared.
Cody: I wasn't scared...
Zack: You were white as a sheet.

Maddie: There's no such thing as ghosts.
London: Wrong, as usual. I've seen this ghost. It was so scary, I dropped my new purse. And left it there!
Maddie: With money in it?
London: Oh, just the regular $1,000 bill every kid gets for allowance...
Maddie, Zack, & Cody suddenly bolt for the elevator
London: Hey! Just 'cause I don't need it doesn't mean it's not mine.

Maddie: Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Zack and Cody trying to get London's purse from Maddie)
London: Hand me the loot or you get the boot.

Moseby: There is no ghost.
Maddie: Told you.
Moseby: Now let's leave before she gets annoyed.
Maddie: And I'm completely alone here...

Maddie: I... love... pizza! What are you going to do about it? (Maddie's chair pulls her back into the darkness.)
Zack: MADDIE NO!
London: Where did she go?
Esteban: (Irene's ghost speaking through him.) Anyone else have anything to say?
Cody: Not me... I hate pizza! Huh! (Cody covers his mouth as his blanket floats in the air) BLANKIE!
Zack: (After seeing cody dissapear) Cody....buddy? Oh man, mom's not gonna like this!

Zack screaming while group in covers as ghosts take off covers and giggle.
Zack: You guys are mean!
Maddie: Sorry Zack, but you did so many practical jokes on us. We just wanted to show you how it feels.
Esteban: Like the gassy noises. Most of which were not mine. [Turns out Esteban faked the Irene voice.]
London: Yah! And the fake love letter from Orlando Bloom. He took out a restraining order against me.
Zack: I didn't send you any letter! (silence for a while)
Maddie: (giggling) Okay that was me.

Cody: (To Zack after Zack got scared) You should've seen your face. No, wait! I can show you! (Makes a mock scared face and Zack chases after him.)

Zack and Cody walk into Suite 613
Zack: Did you really leave Blanky in here, or is it just another stupid prank?
Cody: Listen, I don't kid when it comes to blanky. Now help me look around, unless you're too scared.
Zack looks behind the couch, Cody looks by the table, and the real Irene comes out of the door behind them
Irene: Excuse me, is this yours?
Cody: (Cody takes the blanket) Yeah, thanks!
Irene: Don't mention it.
Irene walks away through her picture. Zack and Cody run out screaming; Cody stays looking from outside the door still screaming, and Zack pulls his hair to follow him.

[edit] Dad's Back [1.20]

Carey: Hope you brought your appetite, cause I'm thinking Ice Cream for dinner!
Cody: That sounds great! Just one thing; who are you and what have you done with my mother?
Carey: Ho, you are such a kidder!
Cody: No, I'm serious.

Carey: Did you finish your homework yet?
Cody: I did it already.
Zack: You disgust me!

Zack: Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going home to mother.
Kurt: That's exactly what you mother said when she left me, and a few other things I can't mention.

London: Do you feel the burn?
Maddie: I felt the burn an hour ago, but now it's searing pain!

Moseby: Have you heard from Zack?
Carey: Yea, I sent him a five page e-mail saying how much I love him, how much I want him back and here's his reply.
Moseby: (reading response) Back at you.
Carey: (starting to cry) Back at me!

Maddie: I guess you're a little nervous about seeing your ex?
Carey: Why would you say that?
Maddie: Because you just ate my decorative soaps.

Carey: (skates in) Mr. Moseby, have you seen Cody?
Moseby: Am I twitching?
Carey: Well, when you see him, tell him to meet me at the park, and have him bring his mitt, knee pads, and a snorkel. Heh. Woo! (leaves and Cody comes out from behind desk)
Cody: I don't even want to know what she had in mind.

Kurt: Come on, have a sense of humor!
Carey: Well, I married you, didn't I?
Kurt: There it is!

Zack: (talking about his mom) She helps me with my homework, and she makes sure I'm in the car before she leaves.
Kurt: (in protest) We popped a U-ie and came right back.

[edit] Christmas at the Tipton [1.21]

Esteban: This is all so beautiful. I just love watching the white fluffy things fall from the sky.
Cody: It's called snow, Esteban.
Esteban: Oh well, it's like the heavens have dandruff.

Maddie's manipulated the Secret Santa bowl so that London picks her name.
London: By the way, do you know what your birth stone is?
Maddie: A diamond! Or an Italian sports car!

Kurt: It's not my fault we're snowed in. And if the hotel had an extra room I would have rented it.
Carey: Well, I hope you're comfortable on the floor.
Kurt: Sure. It'll be just like when we were married.

Moseby: Esteban, the hotel limo is just out front, see if the driver can make it to the airport. Free of charge of course.
Zack: You would really do that for us Mr. Moseby?
Moseby: Of course Zack. I want you boys to have the best Christmas possible even if it means being far, far, far away from my hotel!

Maddie: (after receiving London's gift) But I wanted a car... that would keep all of me warm.
London: I made it with my own two hands.
Maddie: It looks like you made it with your own two feet!
London: (gasps) I thought you'd be happy that I put so much effort into it. You're always accusing me of being superficial.
Maddie: And you had to pick Christmas to become deep?!

Moseby: Carey, you must know what to do. You've had a baby.
Kurt: Two!
Moseby: Even better.
Carey: I'm sorry. I was a little too busy screaming to take notes.

Cody: Isn't this weird? Mary and Joseph traveling together...
Zack: On Christmas Eve...
Maddie: But there is no room for them at the inn..
Arwin: And a child is born.
Esteban: What a coincidence.
London: I don't get it.
Everyone stares at London.

Maddie: Hey, London, what's this stitch under the third arm?
London: It's your name! M-a-t-e-e. Maddie.
Maddie: (sarcastically) Oh! To think I've been spelling it wrong ALL these years!

Carey: Even though we're not getting married...
Kurt: We're still a family.
Cody: Not like them. (gestures to Joe, Mary, and their newborn daughter)
Carey: Yes like them because that child has two parents who love her, just like you.

[edit] Kisses and Basketball [1.22]

Cold Opening part ..........................................................................................

Cody: We did it! We did it!
(Max kisses Zack)
Cody: Oooh, you did it...

.........................................................................................

Carey: What's going on with them?
Arwin: Isn't it obvious? (leans in to whisper to Carey) they're not hungry.

Maddie: Okay, you're free to go.
London: And you're free to admit that you were wrong. It's been an hour and I haven't bought a thing.
(Ivana runs in carying a little bag, sets it down, and barks. London acts guiltily-suprised) Bad dog! I said NO shopping! THAT dog has a serious problem.

Cody and Tapeworm: Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl!
Carey: You guys are so immature.
Arwin: Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl! He kissed a girl, a female! A female!
(everyone stares at Arwin)
(Arwin tries to lean on the table but accidentally sticks his hand in a cake)
Arwin: Cake makes me crazy.

Patrick: The special today is chicken fingers. It comes with your choice of curly fries and a free ice cream sundae in the shape of a clown.
Max: Is it modeled after you?
Patrick: Oh she's lovely.

Patrick: I'd be ANGRIER if I hadn't spit in your food. Psyche!

Patrick: I assume you'll be needing the check? And some big shoes? Ha ha. Meep, meep! (pretends to squeeze the cherry on Zack's nose. Zack looks at him angrily)Oh, oh. (He puts his hands up and backs away)

London: See, I'm going to a party tomorrow night, and I've got nothing to wear!
Maddie: (shows London an outfit) What about this? It's brand new.
London: Oh, that hideous thing? I just bought that so someone else couldn't.

Zack: (to Max) You smell nice. What are you wearing?
Max: Sweat. I haven't even showered yet, sicko!

Arwin: Okay, we're only down by 5, and we haven't been playing our best.
Max: Zack...
Arwin: Now I don't want to single anybody out.
Max: Zack...
Arwin: But we got a get our heads in the game.
Max: Right, Zack?

Arwin: Where's Max?
Cody: She and Zack had a fight, and no one's seen her since.
Arwin: Oh. Well, that's okay. That's okay. One person does not make a team. Huh. You guys have worked long and hard. I know you can pick up the slack and win this game, huh?
Max: Hey, guys.
Arwin: Oh, thank goodness you're here! We couldn't have done it without you!(starts crying)

Moseby: London, I'm afraid your father is adamant. (pronounced ADAMant)
London: (confused) I thought his name was Wilfred.
Moseby: Yes, it is!

London: Well, it's just there are so many beautiful things out there to buy. How can you possibly resist them?
Maddie: I have no money.
London: Well, some of us aren't that lucky.

Maddie: Well, you WILL be when your father disinherits you.
London: (drops to her knees and hugs Maddie by the legs) Help me!!!!

Maddie: All right, all right. I'll help you. Give me your credit cards.
(She holds out her hand to accept them. London gives her one)
Maddie: Mmmhmm... (London gives her another) Mmmhmm...
(London pulls her wallet full of credit cards out of her purse and gives it to Maddie. Maddie takes them and they all fall out in a line)
London: Take care of my babies. They like to be taken out twice a day.
(Maddie rolls her eyes and waves the wallet away from London while she tries to catch them)

Zack: What's her problem.
Tapeworm: You said she wasn't a girl. Girls don't like that.
Cody: You think...?

Maddie; London, you've got a real problem.
London: No I don't. I just remembered I have store credit at Pier Good Tour(?) and they're on speed dial.
Maddie: London, drop that phone!
London: Not gonna happen!
Maddie: London, DROP it...!
London: I just need one little thing!
Maddie: No!
London: Shoes. Just shoes.
Maddie: No!
(Maddie runs after her in a circle around a chair)
London: One shoe.
Maddie: Not even.
(London runs the other way around the chair and Maddie chases her)
London: A shoe LACE.
Maddie: No!
London: The little piece of plastic at the end of the shoe lace that nobody knows what it's called.
Maddie: You mean an aglet?
London: Ya!
Maddie: (points stern finger at her) NO!

London: ...and I was DRINKING that!

Arwin: Let's get out there and kick some—
Carey: Ahem!
Arwin: bun.

Cody: Zack kissed a girl! Zack kissed a girl!
Zack: It wasn't a girl! It was Max! And I didn't kiss her, she kissed me!
Max: It wasn't a kiss! You had a big bug on your mouth, and I killed it... with my lips.

[edit] Pilot Your Own Life [1.23]

Cold Opening Bit

Cody: I'm thinking about working with kids.
Zack: I hate kids.Especially you Cody,

.
Cody: You better take this seriously or you're gonna fail while I get an A.
Zack: You're one of the kids I hate. ............................................................................................

Teen Trend Lady: Good, London, good. Now give us a snobby look.
London: I have about twenty different ones. Which one do you want?
Teen Trend Lady: One that says "Only I can afford these clothes!"
London: Ooo! Number seven! One of my favorites!
Teen Trend Lady: Perfect. Now, that (snaps) is a wrap!
London: (grasping scarf) Actually, it's a really shiny scarf!

Maddie: (To London) Well, your mistake was taking on Madeline Margaret Genevieve Miranda Catherine Fitzpatrick!
London: Fine! I'll beat...all of you!

Maddie: Oh yeah? Well you're goin' down!
London: Well you're goin' downer! I'm gonna crush you so bad you won't have a penny to your name and you'll have to work like a dog for the rest of your life!
Maddie: Ha! I'm already there!

Teen trends lady: (Talking about Maddie's outfit) What do you call it?
Maddie: (Doesn't know what to say) My uniform? (Holds up the tie on her uniform) With a personal touch of Maddie. Well, actually it's my dad's tie, so it's a personal touch of Irving.
Teen trends lady: Hmm... Catchy, but a little long. How about blue-collar chic?
Maddie: That was my second choice!

Esteban: (In a western accent) Cody, I got a bone to pick with you.
Cody: Esteban? Why are you talking like that?
Esteban: 'Cause, my teacher Jeb is from Texas! Now if I'm gonna "Pilot my own life", I gotta do it at a rodeo! YEE HAW!!!

Cody: How was your audition?
Carey: Just fine Cody. The producer said I had lots of talent and a promising career as a caberet singer. He suggested I check out, the Tipton. I just spent $500 to find out that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!!

Esteban: I can't be late for school. I'm taking Cody's advice to pilot my own life by enrolling a night class to improve my English and lose (misprounced as "loose") my accent.

London: Loose?

Esteban: I have not started the class yet, okay?

Carey: (finding that Maddie sent Zack to spy on London) You're using my son as a spy?
Maddie: Oh, like you're using him for anything better.

Zack: I can't do this to you. I just can't. I cannot tell a lie.
Carey: Since when? You lie to me all the time.
Zack: But I can't lie to Maddie, (lower voice toward Carey) I love her.

Zack: If you win this contest, you'll become successful, and move to New York or Paris or Milan and I'll never see you again.
Maddie: Aw, Zack, I'm not going anywhere; and if I did, I'd take you with me.
Zack: Really? (Maddie hugs Zack)
Carey: Really?
Maddie: (Mouthing, with Zack still in her arms) No.

Cody: (watching the chick fight between London and Maddie) You're right Zack. This would look better with pudding.

London: Daddy always says, "Competition is a good thing. It's a chance to crush people."

Cody: Maddie, don't let fear in your cockpit.

Carey: Don't let what in your where?

London (running towards the candy counter): Maddie! Maddie! Do I have worry lines?

Maddie: Huh?

London: Teen Trends hasn't called me yet. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think.

(before Maddie can say something sarcastic, London cuts Maddie off): Don't go there.

Mr. Moseby: Ah, Esteban. There you are. I'm going to need you to work late tonight.

Esteban: No, I can't, Mr. Moseby. I'm piloting my own life by taking a night school class three times a week. I'm going to lose (misprounced as "loose") my accent.

Mr. Moseby: Loose?

Esteban: I'd better make that four times a week.

Teen Trends Lady: Say, "Teen Trend's Trendy Teen of the Year..."
Maddie: Teen treen trendy-uh, can I just smile?
Teen Trends Lady: Ya.

Cody: Mom, do you ever find yourself feeling discouraged, unfulfilled, unappreciated?
Carey: Not if you eat my casserole.
Cody: Not gonna happen.

Cody: My point is people spend their lives too afraid to reach for the mountain top...
Carey: Amen!
Cody: They let life slip by day after dreary day...
Carey: Losers! (takes a sip of her drink)
Cody: People like YOU...
[Carey spits out her drink]
London: Oh, no you di'n't!(wags finger and bobs head)
Maddie: Oh, yes I di'id (bobs head and shakes wig)
London: Nuggie. Nuggie. Nuggie. Nuggie
Maddie: (simultaneously) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!
Maddie: She meant me. {for the winner of the Teen Trend contest}
London: Oh, no she DI'N'T!
Maddie: Oh, yes she DI'ID!
Moseby: We'ell (?), It d'oesn't MA'A'TER!
London: Well, you were WRONG with a capital "R."
London: (sighs) I'm sorry I stole your 'Blue Colar Cheap' look.
Maddie: You mean Chic.
London: No.
Maddie: I can't believe I stayed up three days and nights finishing this outfit. I hope the Teen Trend Lady likes it.
Zack: I'm sure you'll do fine.
Maddie: (in a mocking tone) I'm sure you'll do fine. (regular tone) What do you know?
Zack: See? This is why sleep is a good thing.
Cody: Remember, London, if you can conceive, you can believe, and you can-
London: (harshly) I hate that phrase!
Cody: Mom, please tell me your demo went well.
Carey: Yeah. The guy at the record company thought I was really talented and had a future as a cabaret singer. He suggested I check out the Tipton. (hysterical) So I just spent $500 to find I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

...........................................................................................

Ending Bit
Muriel: What do you think, ladies? HOT STUFF, huh? Ssssss!